Dreams

A post with a name like this has to be pretty serious.

I realise. How far I am from who I want to be. I have forgotten. What were my dreams.

Each day I live for the next day. I do my work, I wait for holiday, I do more work. It seems I only have dreams from necessity not lust. Like I want to go to Lith, I mean I am really looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am only trying to get away from here. i want some of those true dreams. The ones that don’t let me sleep at night. That make me shiver.

But I am silent. I forgot. Physically forgot. What did I used to dream of? Maybe I have achieved all my dreams… Someone once said: when you achieve your goal there is always emptiness. You must rest and think of a new goal. I am not sure this this whole goal business is even what I mean. What I am saying is that I don’t know what I am looking forward to anymore.

I suppose my biggest dream now is to live in London. With G. Especially after this week that we spent being together. I think I have learnt new things about him and myself. And us. It was so good. Just doing nothing. Just lying down and looking into each others eyes. Observing each other. Consuming each other. Understanding without words. I crave to see him again. And this craving will increase with every day.

I’m crying. Silently. I realise I need another person more than I need air. I need him to take care of me. I’m happy. I found what I always wanted. A person. True love.

I long for freedom. I mean mind freedom. Now I can remember my old self. How I used to act on my own desires and instincts. How I used to read because I wanted to. Fairy tales and poetic nonsense. How I used to look at the stars and wonder about the meaning of this mess. How my life was my future. Now my life is this second.

I keep repeating to myself that nothing else matter but now. now. It is not true. Future is a part of now. Dreams are the part of future. And present. It is this whole universe splitting mechanism. You dream. And you don’t care if it going to happen really. Because it’s a different world. This reality is parallel to dreams. I am stuck in between. I want to fly from here.

I want stimulation. Sounds. Smells. Discovery. This is not what I have here. Brighton is amazing. But not this room, not this university, not these people. I need time off. Need to think. To discover myself. Endlessly hear the waves in the sea to wash over my reasonable mind. Drift away.

My dream is to be myself. To change. To love. To be loved. To think for myself. To be able to dream. To wonder. To not be attached to conventions. To create. I miss creating something. I miss being myself.

This is not me, somewhere

I do not know who I’ve become. My thoughts mechanism is hidden under other worries and fears and things I must do. What I want and what I shouldn’t do is mixed up.

This feeling of being unrelated to my surroundings is back. I feel like an outlier. Not in a bad way. My world just doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I want to be familiar. Maybe I need time to get used to everything new. Maybe I just long for something what I used to have. Or maybe I need to create something new to be desired. Dreams and aspirations carry me through the waves of awkwardness of this world.

One day I will be back.

Don’t read this

You know. I’m back in UK. And it sucks. Apart from the fact that Geoff is here. Because right now it’s the only thing that makes it bearable.

Reasons why UK sucks:

1. bad weather
2. uninspiring environment
3. nothing good on tv
4. too commercial
5. too organised

Too organised? I just meant that everything is always sorted out for you. Which means I don’t need to move a finger. Which is boring. And also everything is commercialised to the point where individuality disappears. And there are loads of rubbish on the streets. I can’t wait until I live in Brighton.

I’m sorry I’m so grumpy today.

So confusing

World is confusing. It takes a long time to truly understand just how confusing and dynamic it is. We are born, we live and then we are reborn. Reborn again and again, when we realize some truths or reach some special stage in our creative life. I don’t mean reborn literally. No, we just feel like we have changed. And people change. They grow. Like trees, like cities.

Yesterday I watched this culture program which explored avant-garde, culture today and the relationship between an artist and a city. It was an interview with Jonas Mekas, a Lithuanian poet and filmmaker who lives and works in New York. He said that the world changes, that avant-garde will always exist, because there will always be someone or something standing in the front. Like modern technologies or internet which open all the windows and doors for us to share our creativeness. He believes that commercialism and superficial values can’t possibly win over and that mankind will always strain to be in front. From big bang until now time and humanity have moved forward. This is the way life goes. Forward. And we should be grateful to death – it keeps the world dynamic.

I completely agree with his opinion. Humanity is the engine, and we must keep the world dynamic. The only way to do this is to rebel, oppose the mass culture and the mainstream commercial values. That is avant-garde – art/political movements that change our Weltanschauung.

I think this is more or less everything I wanted to say today.