I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.
I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.
G keeps asking me: ‘what do you really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?
I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.
Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.
I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.
