Dreams

A post with a name like this has to be pretty serious.

I realise. How far I am from who I want to be. I have forgotten. What were my dreams.

Each day I live for the next day. I do my work, I wait for holiday, I do more work. It seems I only have dreams from necessity not lust. Like I want to go to Lith, I mean I am really looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am only trying to get away from here. i want some of those true dreams. The ones that don’t let me sleep at night. That make me shiver.

But I am silent. I forgot. Physically forgot. What did I used to dream of? Maybe I have achieved all my dreams… Someone once said: when you achieve your goal there is always emptiness. You must rest and think of a new goal. I am not sure this this whole goal business is even what I mean. What I am saying is that I don’t know what I am looking forward to anymore.

I suppose my biggest dream now is to live in London. With G. Especially after this week that we spent being together. I think I have learnt new things about him and myself. And us. It was so good. Just doing nothing. Just lying down and looking into each others eyes. Observing each other. Consuming each other. Understanding without words. I crave to see him again. And this craving will increase with every day.

I’m crying. Silently. I realise I need another person more than I need air. I need him to take care of me. I’m happy. I found what I always wanted. A person. True love.

I long for freedom. I mean mind freedom. Now I can remember my old self. How I used to act on my own desires and instincts. How I used to read because I wanted to. Fairy tales and poetic nonsense. How I used to look at the stars and wonder about the meaning of this mess. How my life was my future. Now my life is this second.

I keep repeating to myself that nothing else matter but now. now. It is not true. Future is a part of now. Dreams are the part of future. And present. It is this whole universe splitting mechanism. You dream. And you don’t care if it going to happen really. Because it’s a different world. This reality is parallel to dreams. I am stuck in between. I want to fly from here.

I want stimulation. Sounds. Smells. Discovery. This is not what I have here. Brighton is amazing. But not this room, not this university, not these people. I need time off. Need to think. To discover myself. Endlessly hear the waves in the sea to wash over my reasonable mind. Drift away.

My dream is to be myself. To change. To love. To be loved. To think for myself. To be able to dream. To wonder. To not be attached to conventions. To create. I miss creating something. I miss being myself.

I remember being able to fly

I remember. Summers. How I was careless. How I was myself.

I remember standing and looking at the sea. Wind taking away all my troubles and leaving me naked. Sand under my feet, rough stones on the beach and how I was running along the coast until I couldn’t run anymore.

I remember fields of wild flowers. How I was riding my bike down a long hill. Wind in my hair. Giving me wings. I would go and pick herbs. And in the evening drink fresh milk.

I remember ice cream. Me and my brother going for a walk and feeding swans. Sun kissing my skin. My hair long and curly. My bright orange swimsuit.

I remember how I went for a walk in the city on my own for the first time. How I had popcorn with my good friend. How I went to the cinema and laughed.

I feel I lost myself. I care about none important things to much. Like how my hair is wrong, or my make up smudgy. I want to be me. To not think again. To live now. Time imprisoned me. I want to escape.