Something is going to happen someday… soon

My life is so bizarre. I don’t know. Everything is just too much to take in. So I take it in at one time. A tiny bit at a time. Live each day.

Last week is still in my head. I loved every second of it. All of it. Except the times when I had to go to lectures. But even those times weren’t too bad because I had something to look forward to. Like G sitting in my room by my laptop or walking somewhere in Brighton. I could just finish my lecture and go “home”. Or to meet him. My room suddenly became my home, and Brighton suddenly became my lovely town where I live. Just this simple fact that he was here made it home. And I felt like I want to live like this forever. Just carelessly be. Walk around. Eat around. Appreciate the sunset and stare at the world passing near by.

This week is completely opposite. It is passing fast, unnoticed. I just do what I have to do to get through each day. The things I do on the side seem so unimportant too. Maybe except today when after pizza me and A&D went to the sea. The sea was so powerful, the magical sound of pebbles, darkness, moon, mist, cold breeze. I could have stood there forever. Just breathing in the sea.

Friday tomorrow. Two tests. A session. This and that. Get ready. Go. Get ready, go. I don’t like this sort of routine. I need freedom. But as soon as I’m finished I’ll go to Reading. To G. Stay over for the night. Be with him for a night, then go home for Saturday then see him on Sunday. Can’t wait. Can’t wait. It feels good because I know he probably can’t wait either. We both are stuck in routines, and times when we see each other are the only happy times we get in the whole week. When we feel full. Like it’s supposed to be like that.

Carpe diem. Just because D said today: Mia you are like ‘carpe diem’.

Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

This is not me, somewhere

I do not know who I’ve become. My thoughts mechanism is hidden under other worries and fears and things I must do. What I want and what I shouldn’t do is mixed up.

This feeling of being unrelated to my surroundings is back. I feel like an outlier. Not in a bad way. My world just doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I want to be familiar. Maybe I need time to get used to everything new. Maybe I just long for something what I used to have. Or maybe I need to create something new to be desired. Dreams and aspirations carry me through the waves of awkwardness of this world.

One day I will be back.

And so… mysteries of the world

I have been in this really bad mood lately. For weeks now. It has nothing to do with other people or myself even. I think it’s just something else. Even talking about this dampens my mood.

I think I lost motivation. I mean it was lost for a while. I’m getting it back. I was posing too many questions about the importance of things. Why is art important? Why is science important? What is important? Is there anything? The answer to that is still absent.

But when I think about it again… Possibly nothing is globally important. Or universally. Things only have a personal importance to each individual. Art is important to ME because it allows me to express my feelings and ideas visually. Science is important to ME because it helps me pose more questions about the space-time I am a part of. It all is about reality. About analysing the world. Art explores concepts in society and science explores more fundamental mysteries of what are we made of. Both of these are down to earth missions. I think so. However different they are.

Dreamlike realities at nighttime.

Blank

I care about him so much.

Clearly clearly i see my heart’s desires

Clear blue water.

You know, I hate so much texts that are a waste of space and time, though I realise that my texts are exactly like that.

Today I spent, well…. Trying on clothes. I found so many unworn, torn and forgotten gems under my bed and in my wardrobe. So I fixed them. Painted my old, scruffy converses in bronze. And I’m ready to leave for Vilnius. I’m not saying Lithuania because it’s just not the same thing. I love Vilnius. This city will always be home. Most important city in my heart.

I mentioned fashion and Vilnius. I will explain. Last time I went there I felt completely left out. Everyone dresses in the most crazy and original styles. (By everyone I mean young people mostly.) And I was pretty much wearing jeans and tees during my stay. So this time hopefully I will be more ready to show off my style. Which I haven’t shown off for ages really. Actually last time I have really been myself in a sense of fashion is 3 years ago. This means I lost it when I moved to UK. Which is strange, since London is one of the capitals of fashion… I feel people here care less about their appearance (of course I don’t mean everyone). Also when I came here I had this urge to “fit in”. And it is the worst thing that can happen. It kills your personality!

So I’m leaving on Saturday. And I can’t wait. A month of hanging out with my girlfriends (hopefully), buying vintage dresses, swimming in the sea, day dreaming and enjoying the sunshine (that is hopefully as well). The only thing that tears me apart is not being able to see someone really close to my heart. Someone I am falling in love with.

How I love such Sundays

I haven’t felt so good for a long time. Everything around me seems magical. Memories are flooding my head, I can see blue sky through my window and I am free to do anything I like.

I have about one Sunday like that in every couple of months. Why can’t everyday be like that? So peaceful, so beautiful. What makes a good day so damn good? The answer is that such days have one thing incommon – loads of sunshine.

I should probably move to live to a sunnier place because UK is not famous for great weather.

I feel so inspired. I haven’t felt like this for a whole year. I’d love to do something creative. But artistic stuff and me… well they just don’t go together. Every time I paint something I must throw it away because I hate it. Even if other people really like it.

I will need to buy some paint and maybe try again. I had some ideas in my head. All the inspiration piled up during the year and I want to let it out. Usually I let out my creativity through writing. I have so many diaries everywhere.

Now I feel an urge to tidy up. My floor is covered in clothes, papers, cds and books. I want to give everything to charity and live in an empty room. All the stuff around me makes me confused. I want a white room, with white furniture and minimal decorations. I want this peacefulness to continue. I also want to hear sea roaring. It is so pretty outside right now.

 

I remember being able to fly

I remember. Summers. How I was careless. How I was myself.

I remember standing and looking at the sea. Wind taking away all my troubles and leaving me naked. Sand under my feet, rough stones on the beach and how I was running along the coast until I couldn’t run anymore.

I remember fields of wild flowers. How I was riding my bike down a long hill. Wind in my hair. Giving me wings. I would go and pick herbs. And in the evening drink fresh milk.

I remember ice cream. Me and my brother going for a walk and feeding swans. Sun kissing my skin. My hair long and curly. My bright orange swimsuit.

I remember how I went for a walk in the city on my own for the first time. How I had popcorn with my good friend. How I went to the cinema and laughed.

I feel I lost myself. I care about none important things to much. Like how my hair is wrong, or my make up smudgy. I want to be me. To not think again. To live now. Time imprisoned me. I want to escape.

It’s the end, it’s a start

Past months have been hard. Really hard. Pressure, exams, and realisations that come when you feel the worst. World is topping up on my shoulders, and I want to start again. Get a new canvas. But no… Life is not discardable.

Summers make me uplifted. Seeing my friends happy, seeing sunshine playing in the windows.  But it’s different here: clouds, depressing wind.

I’ve been thinking about people. I need friends. That’s my conclusion. I would not be who I am without people I spend most of my time with. And yet it tires me. Last year of being on my own was much more painful, so I won’t complain. I love my friends.

Another thing. Now that I have as much free time as I like, all the self consciousness comes back. All the year I have been too busy to really think about myself and my feelings. Now it’s here again. Today I stood in front of my mirror for hours. I feel disgusted by myself and it is the worst feeling.