Dreams

A post with a name like this has to be pretty serious.

I realise. How far I am from who I want to be. I have forgotten. What were my dreams.

Each day I live for the next day. I do my work, I wait for holiday, I do more work. It seems I only have dreams from necessity not lust. Like I want to go to Lith, I mean I am really looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am only trying to get away from here. i want some of those true dreams. The ones that don’t let me sleep at night. That make me shiver.

But I am silent. I forgot. Physically forgot. What did I used to dream of? Maybe I have achieved all my dreams… Someone once said: when you achieve your goal there is always emptiness. You must rest and think of a new goal. I am not sure this this whole goal business is even what I mean. What I am saying is that I don’t know what I am looking forward to anymore.

I suppose my biggest dream now is to live in London. With G. Especially after this week that we spent being together. I think I have learnt new things about him and myself. And us. It was so good. Just doing nothing. Just lying down and looking into each others eyes. Observing each other. Consuming each other. Understanding without words. I crave to see him again. And this craving will increase with every day.

I’m crying. Silently. I realise I need another person more than I need air. I need him to take care of me. I’m happy. I found what I always wanted. A person. True love.

I long for freedom. I mean mind freedom. Now I can remember my old self. How I used to act on my own desires and instincts. How I used to read because I wanted to. Fairy tales and poetic nonsense. How I used to look at the stars and wonder about the meaning of this mess. How my life was my future. Now my life is this second.

I keep repeating to myself that nothing else matter but now. now. It is not true. Future is a part of now. Dreams are the part of future. And present. It is this whole universe splitting mechanism. You dream. And you don’t care if it going to happen really. Because it’s a different world. This reality is parallel to dreams. I am stuck in between. I want to fly from here.

I want stimulation. Sounds. Smells. Discovery. This is not what I have here. Brighton is amazing. But not this room, not this university, not these people. I need time off. Need to think. To discover myself. Endlessly hear the waves in the sea to wash over my reasonable mind. Drift away.

My dream is to be myself. To change. To love. To be loved. To think for myself. To be able to dream. To wonder. To not be attached to conventions. To create. I miss creating something. I miss being myself.

Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

This is not me, somewhere

I do not know who I’ve become. My thoughts mechanism is hidden under other worries and fears and things I must do. What I want and what I shouldn’t do is mixed up.

This feeling of being unrelated to my surroundings is back. I feel like an outlier. Not in a bad way. My world just doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I want to be familiar. Maybe I need time to get used to everything new. Maybe I just long for something what I used to have. Or maybe I need to create something new to be desired. Dreams and aspirations carry me through the waves of awkwardness of this world.

One day I will be back.

Imaginary substance

My world is so surreal these days. It’s like I am be sitting in a waiting room with a lot of passers by. I’m not interacting with anyone because they are so sure about their destinations. So I’m just sitting there looking around. Not knowing when the next train is or where it is going. On my own in a room with lots of people. Anticipating. Occasionally making eye contact with a person waiting in the other end of the room. It’s not a dream. It just feels like it should be. Somewhere between dreams and reality lies this universe of delusive existence.

Stop

I would like to be a seagull and fly endlessly. Fly carelessly. I would like to merge with the sky and disappear.

Sometimes it just seems that our dreams are buried too deep. We don’t look reality in the eyes either. We sit somewhere in between our real world and our imagination. Blocking a part of reality, and running through life without ever looking back.

Please, slow down. Look around. You are missing all the worthwhile things in your life. And why run? As if there was a purpose. There isn’t. You will reach the end. So why not just walk and enjoy it.  Be whoever you want to be. Now.