And so… mysteries of the world

I have been in this really bad mood lately. For weeks now. It has nothing to do with other people or myself even. I think it’s just something else. Even talking about this dampens my mood.

I think I lost motivation. I mean it was lost for a while. I’m getting it back. I was posing too many questions about the importance of things. Why is art important? Why is science important? What is important? Is there anything? The answer to that is still absent.

But when I think about it again… Possibly nothing is globally important. Or universally. Things only have a personal importance to each individual. Art is important to ME because it allows me to express my feelings and ideas visually. Science is important to ME because it helps me pose more questions about the space-time I am a part of. It all is about reality. About analysing the world. Art explores concepts in society and science explores more fundamental mysteries of what are we made of. Both of these are down to earth missions. I think so. However different they are.

Dreamlike realities at nighttime.

I’m lost in all this world

I’m listening to Alina Orlova. I love her music. It’s like my life. So bumpy, so dynamic, intense and pretty. I can see my life going past in pictures, like in an old film. Frames. In french. So beautiful.

I saw her quite a few times in Vilnius oldtown during this week. Today even twice. Wow.

I have the pictures of the town I have taken yesterday with my old Zenit camera. I’m pleased. People said they were certainly different. Urbanized historical architecture, streets, old buildings and well, Vilnius the way I see it. I will try to take more photos from now on.

You know. I thought and thought and thought again. I think too much. I want to just enjoy it.

I realised I have never been so happy before. I’m in love, next year is going to be exciting and new, since I’m off to uni, I can listen to music I love, wear the most amazing clothes, take pictures of the cities I adore, paint and read poetry all I want. There is nothing missing in my life. Most people like me, and I love everyone. It’s too perfect to be true.

And so I have my life in my hands, just like a crystal ball, so beautiful and so fragile. The earth is spinning. Times flows like a river.

Am I happy with “myself”? Maybe. I’m ok. But I’d like to stop wondering so much if I’m worthy enough to have what I have. Just to live. Take most. Give most.

i like when people are happy. I feel a need to give something to someone. Somehow. I just don’t feel complete if I don’t spread something good.

Also i have a bad habit of over analysing things. I will try to just live. Nothing matters but this minute. Now.

And I’m free.

So confusing

World is confusing. It takes a long time to truly understand just how confusing and dynamic it is. We are born, we live and then we are reborn. Reborn again and again, when we realize some truths or reach some special stage in our creative life. I don’t mean reborn literally. No, we just feel like we have changed. And people change. They grow. Like trees, like cities.

Yesterday I watched this culture program which explored avant-garde, culture today and the relationship between an artist and a city. It was an interview with Jonas Mekas, a Lithuanian poet and filmmaker who lives and works in New York. He said that the world changes, that avant-garde will always exist, because there will always be someone or something standing in the front. Like modern technologies or internet which open all the windows and doors for us to share our creativeness. He believes that commercialism and superficial values can’t possibly win over and that mankind will always strain to be in front. From big bang until now time and humanity have moved forward. This is the way life goes. Forward. And we should be grateful to death – it keeps the world dynamic.

I completely agree with his opinion. Humanity is the engine, and we must keep the world dynamic. The only way to do this is to rebel, oppose the mass culture and the mainstream commercial values. That is avant-garde – art/political movements that change our Weltanschauung.

I think this is more or less everything I wanted to say today.