Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

Coffee overflow

My head is full of thoughts right now. I’m all trembling. Had too much coffee today. And still having more coffee. Coffee.

My thoughts are scattered everywhere, but I know every single answer to all questions I’ve been asking myself lately. Most importantly: ‘what do I want to do next year?’

All this year, while I was in college studying physics and maths, it seemed that this is what I want to do in life. So I applied to do astrophysics with a research placement to a great uni. I was extremely excited about that. Wanted to get a PhD and work in research… How misleading. It always happens. I was so close minded and so good at it that I thought I am meant to do physics. Is it reasonable? Maybe. And yes, I love stars. But I don’t know if I could stand being in this field for all my life. It seems too small for me. It challenges my mind but that is it.

Now I’m here. In this culturally diverse environment and I begin to remember. Remember who I am at my heart. An artist, poetically floating in this crazy world. A critic, evaluating and absorbing the diverse urbanistic air. I read, I explore, I create, I need freedom, and I am so very scared that next year I will be imprisoned by an uncreative subject and uninspiring environment and I will forget. Forget who I am.

Why do I always place myself in impossible situations? I have accepted my place in uni now, so if I decline it, I have no guarantees.

Ideally I would want to study urban studies, or urban management and design in London’s UCL. Even though I was against living in London, now I realise that I would still like to try it. Why urban studies? Because I am made of concrete and glass, because I am interested in street life, cultural development in cities, globalization and the ratio between a person and a city. There is so much I know and so much I want to learn about urbanism. The best thing is that the course is only 3 years long, which means I could do another degree afterwards. Like sociology or philosophy.

Someone once said: it is never too late. I hope this is true but first I have to be sure of what I want.

I need to go out for a walk today and buy several culture magazines. It’s hard to keep up with all the press.

Also I found my old German textbooks, so I’ll try to remember the language during the holiday. Need to find a book in German to read.

I must think.