Maybe now

I’m starting to see things more clearly. I realise how much I’m trying to hurting myself. This realisation is horrible. I’m sure everyone is doing it though. Like not sleeping when I need to sleep, not eating or eating to much for no reason, ignoring the pain in my body. I don’t know why I’m doing that. Maybe I am insecure about myself. About how I look and about my personality. But on the other hand I should be happy. Also I waste too much time. Waiting, not thinking, thinking too much, doing things I don’t want to be doing, just wasting time. In a bad way though. I enjoy wasting time when it’s enjoyable. But not when it’s pointless and it pisses me off. I am so fucking stupid sometimes. I wish I was more simple. In a way. Just rely on my body and heart to tell me what to do. Not on my brain. It is always misleading. Especially when I do something unconsciously.

Tomorrow’s a Sunday. I want to sleep in. I haven’t done that in a month. Maybe once when Geoff was around. But it does’t count since we spent the whole night wandering around Brighton. I am drained at the moment. I want to lie in bed, look at the stars on my ceiling, slowly close my eyes and dream the night away. And then wake up naturally. Or if G calls. I don’t mind if he calls in the morning. Early. Wakes me up. Even if I’m very tired I still want to talk to him. Just to hear what he has to say. Even if I don’t remember the conversation afterwards.

I want to start sleep normally, eat healthy, just in general do stuff I want to do. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much? I know the answer. I want to much myself to the limit. So that I can see what I am capable of. So that I can see that I am able to do things even if I don’t have the energy or the time. I hate though. So much. It annoys me. I need to stop.

I am tired of negative thoughts too. I want to just live. Not think. Just be. Just love. Just dream.

Don’t read this

You know. I’m back in UK. And it sucks. Apart from the fact that Geoff is here. Because right now it’s the only thing that makes it bearable.

Reasons why UK sucks:

1. bad weather
2. uninspiring environment
3. nothing good on tv
4. too commercial
5. too organised

Too organised? I just meant that everything is always sorted out for you. Which means I don’t need to move a finger. Which is boring. And also everything is commercialised to the point where individuality disappears. And there are loads of rubbish on the streets. I can’t wait until I live in Brighton.

I’m sorry I’m so grumpy today.

Switch…

Some people say I’m a conformist. Some call me dippy. I change. Is it wrong. There are many mes. And they all have something incommon. And that incommon is the real me. I don’t conform. I’m diverse. So it might seem I’m conforming. I’m an individual and it makes me sad to know that some people can’t see it.

I am a weirdo. So what? I love everyone anyway.

I’ve been dancing with myself a lot today.

Coffee overflow

My head is full of thoughts right now. I’m all trembling. Had too much coffee today. And still having more coffee. Coffee.

My thoughts are scattered everywhere, but I know every single answer to all questions I’ve been asking myself lately. Most importantly: ‘what do I want to do next year?’

All this year, while I was in college studying physics and maths, it seemed that this is what I want to do in life. So I applied to do astrophysics with a research placement to a great uni. I was extremely excited about that. Wanted to get a PhD and work in research… How misleading. It always happens. I was so close minded and so good at it that I thought I am meant to do physics. Is it reasonable? Maybe. And yes, I love stars. But I don’t know if I could stand being in this field for all my life. It seems too small for me. It challenges my mind but that is it.

Now I’m here. In this culturally diverse environment and I begin to remember. Remember who I am at my heart. An artist, poetically floating in this crazy world. A critic, evaluating and absorbing the diverse urbanistic air. I read, I explore, I create, I need freedom, and I am so very scared that next year I will be imprisoned by an uncreative subject and uninspiring environment and I will forget. Forget who I am.

Why do I always place myself in impossible situations? I have accepted my place in uni now, so if I decline it, I have no guarantees.

Ideally I would want to study urban studies, or urban management and design in London’s UCL. Even though I was against living in London, now I realise that I would still like to try it. Why urban studies? Because I am made of concrete and glass, because I am interested in street life, cultural development in cities, globalization and the ratio between a person and a city. There is so much I know and so much I want to learn about urbanism. The best thing is that the course is only 3 years long, which means I could do another degree afterwards. Like sociology or philosophy.

Someone once said: it is never too late. I hope this is true but first I have to be sure of what I want.

I need to go out for a walk today and buy several culture magazines. It’s hard to keep up with all the press.

Also I found my old German textbooks, so I’ll try to remember the language during the holiday. Need to find a book in German to read.

I must think.

Clearly clearly i see my heart’s desires

Clear blue water.

You know, I hate so much texts that are a waste of space and time, though I realise that my texts are exactly like that.

Today I spent, well…. Trying on clothes. I found so many unworn, torn and forgotten gems under my bed and in my wardrobe. So I fixed them. Painted my old, scruffy converses in bronze. And I’m ready to leave for Vilnius. I’m not saying Lithuania because it’s just not the same thing. I love Vilnius. This city will always be home. Most important city in my heart.

I mentioned fashion and Vilnius. I will explain. Last time I went there I felt completely left out. Everyone dresses in the most crazy and original styles. (By everyone I mean young people mostly.) And I was pretty much wearing jeans and tees during my stay. So this time hopefully I will be more ready to show off my style. Which I haven’t shown off for ages really. Actually last time I have really been myself in a sense of fashion is 3 years ago. This means I lost it when I moved to UK. Which is strange, since London is one of the capitals of fashion… I feel people here care less about their appearance (of course I don’t mean everyone). Also when I came here I had this urge to “fit in”. And it is the worst thing that can happen. It kills your personality!

So I’m leaving on Saturday. And I can’t wait. A month of hanging out with my girlfriends (hopefully), buying vintage dresses, swimming in the sea, day dreaming and enjoying the sunshine (that is hopefully as well). The only thing that tears me apart is not being able to see someone really close to my heart. Someone I am falling in love with.

How I love such Sundays

I haven’t felt so good for a long time. Everything around me seems magical. Memories are flooding my head, I can see blue sky through my window and I am free to do anything I like.

I have about one Sunday like that in every couple of months. Why can’t everyday be like that? So peaceful, so beautiful. What makes a good day so damn good? The answer is that such days have one thing incommon – loads of sunshine.

I should probably move to live to a sunnier place because UK is not famous for great weather.

I feel so inspired. I haven’t felt like this for a whole year. I’d love to do something creative. But artistic stuff and me… well they just don’t go together. Every time I paint something I must throw it away because I hate it. Even if other people really like it.

I will need to buy some paint and maybe try again. I had some ideas in my head. All the inspiration piled up during the year and I want to let it out. Usually I let out my creativity through writing. I have so many diaries everywhere.

Now I feel an urge to tidy up. My floor is covered in clothes, papers, cds and books. I want to give everything to charity and live in an empty room. All the stuff around me makes me confused. I want a white room, with white furniture and minimal decorations. I want this peacefulness to continue. I also want to hear sea roaring. It is so pretty outside right now.