Something is going to happen someday… soon

My life is so bizarre. I don’t know. Everything is just too much to take in. So I take it in at one time. A tiny bit at a time. Live each day.

Last week is still in my head. I loved every second of it. All of it. Except the times when I had to go to lectures. But even those times weren’t too bad because I had something to look forward to. Like G sitting in my room by my laptop or walking somewhere in Brighton. I could just finish my lecture and go “home”. Or to meet him. My room suddenly became my home, and Brighton suddenly became my lovely town where I live. Just this simple fact that he was here made it home. And I felt like I want to live like this forever. Just carelessly be. Walk around. Eat around. Appreciate the sunset and stare at the world passing near by.

This week is completely opposite. It is passing fast, unnoticed. I just do what I have to do to get through each day. The things I do on the side seem so unimportant too. Maybe except today when after pizza me and A&D went to the sea. The sea was so powerful, the magical sound of pebbles, darkness, moon, mist, cold breeze. I could have stood there forever. Just breathing in the sea.

Friday tomorrow. Two tests. A session. This and that. Get ready. Go. Get ready, go. I don’t like this sort of routine. I need freedom. But as soon as I’m finished I’ll go to Reading. To G. Stay over for the night. Be with him for a night, then go home for Saturday then see him on Sunday. Can’t wait. Can’t wait. It feels good because I know he probably can’t wait either. We both are stuck in routines, and times when we see each other are the only happy times we get in the whole week. When we feel full. Like it’s supposed to be like that.

Carpe diem. Just because D said today: Mia you are like ‘carpe diem’.

Someday you… you

My heart is open recently. I don’t mind it too much. I let everyone to give me something and I give something back. I want to just be. Not worry. Not look too far into the future. I think world shouldn’t shape people. People should shape the world. I think we should take most of every second we have with people we adore and should not do things we do not enjoy or consider useful. We should not let shit stop us from taking what we need from life. Freedom is the way forward.

Inspiration

I understand. The purpose of life. That long debated purpose and reason and all the questions. Life doesn’t stand. And we shouldn’t care or worry about life. It flows itself. People have influence. But they can’t stop it. So they shouldn’t try.

I want to kill the logic inside me. The instinct. The common sense. To live my fantasy.

Sounds around me. City around me. Inspiration.

Where have I been? Now I see it. I want to create. To be influenced by what I adore. By these little things. I feel like I’m on drugs.

My favourites are film and poetry. And painting. And drawing. You can express such an amplitude of emotions. It makes it art. The flow of feelings. Becoming material.

I need to get my camera back. I want to film. For now I will buy some pastels and paper. And books.

Clearly clearly i see my heart’s desires

Clear blue water.

You know, I hate so much texts that are a waste of space and time, though I realise that my texts are exactly like that.

Today I spent, well…. Trying on clothes. I found so many unworn, torn and forgotten gems under my bed and in my wardrobe. So I fixed them. Painted my old, scruffy converses in bronze. And I’m ready to leave for Vilnius. I’m not saying Lithuania because it’s just not the same thing. I love Vilnius. This city will always be home. Most important city in my heart.

I mentioned fashion and Vilnius. I will explain. Last time I went there I felt completely left out. Everyone dresses in the most crazy and original styles. (By everyone I mean young people mostly.) And I was pretty much wearing jeans and tees during my stay. So this time hopefully I will be more ready to show off my style. Which I haven’t shown off for ages really. Actually last time I have really been myself in a sense of fashion is 3 years ago. This means I lost it when I moved to UK. Which is strange, since London is one of the capitals of fashion… I feel people here care less about their appearance (of course I don’t mean everyone). Also when I came here I had this urge to “fit in”. And it is the worst thing that can happen. It kills your personality!

So I’m leaving on Saturday. And I can’t wait. A month of hanging out with my girlfriends (hopefully), buying vintage dresses, swimming in the sea, day dreaming and enjoying the sunshine (that is hopefully as well). The only thing that tears me apart is not being able to see someone really close to my heart. Someone I am falling in love with.

Stop

I would like to be a seagull and fly endlessly. Fly carelessly. I would like to merge with the sky and disappear.

Sometimes it just seems that our dreams are buried too deep. We don’t look reality in the eyes either. We sit somewhere in between our real world and our imagination. Blocking a part of reality, and running through life without ever looking back.

Please, slow down. Look around. You are missing all the worthwhile things in your life. And why run? As if there was a purpose. There isn’t. You will reach the end. So why not just walk and enjoy it.  Be whoever you want to be. Now.

Some questions

Why are people so annoying sometimes? Or is it my problem?

Why can’t I appreciate the world more?

When will I be happy with myself?

I need to answer these questions.

I feel so little right now. What part do I play in this world? Is it enough that I change people’s lifes by briefly passing through their timelines? Must I be happy? What makes me happy?

Being succesfull did not make me happy. Being respected did not make me happy. Is it really only sunny days that actually make me feel like I’m alive?

Like a butterfly.