Someday you… you

My heart is open recently. I don’t mind it too much. I let everyone to give me something and I give something back. I want to just be. Not worry. Not look too far into the future. I think world shouldn’t shape people. People should shape the world. I think we should take most of every second we have with people we adore and should not do things we do not enjoy or consider useful. We should not let shit stop us from taking what we need from life. Freedom is the way forward.

Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

This is not me, somewhere

I do not know who I’ve become. My thoughts mechanism is hidden under other worries and fears and things I must do. What I want and what I shouldn’t do is mixed up.

This feeling of being unrelated to my surroundings is back. I feel like an outlier. Not in a bad way. My world just doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I want to be familiar. Maybe I need time to get used to everything new. Maybe I just long for something what I used to have. Or maybe I need to create something new to be desired. Dreams and aspirations carry me through the waves of awkwardness of this world.

One day I will be back.

And so… mysteries of the world

I have been in this really bad mood lately. For weeks now. It has nothing to do with other people or myself even. I think it’s just something else. Even talking about this dampens my mood.

I think I lost motivation. I mean it was lost for a while. I’m getting it back. I was posing too many questions about the importance of things. Why is art important? Why is science important? What is important? Is there anything? The answer to that is still absent.

But when I think about it again… Possibly nothing is globally important. Or universally. Things only have a personal importance to each individual. Art is important to ME because it allows me to express my feelings and ideas visually. Science is important to ME because it helps me pose more questions about the space-time I am a part of. It all is about reality. About analysing the world. Art explores concepts in society and science explores more fundamental mysteries of what are we made of. Both of these are down to earth missions. I think so. However different they are.

Dreamlike realities at nighttime.

Blank

I care about him so much.

To feel

What are my values? My ambitions? My dreams? I have been lost lately. I think I have over complicated everything. Looked for answers too hard. In wrong places. Now I know.

Someone has reminded me in three words: love, beauty and universe.

I want to discover and to appreciate. To admire, to value. I just want to be able to dream. Experience the world.  To feel.

Emotions is what makes life worthwhile. All the feelings.

I’m lost in all this world

I’m listening to Alina Orlova. I love her music. It’s like my life. So bumpy, so dynamic, intense and pretty. I can see my life going past in pictures, like in an old film. Frames. In french. So beautiful.

I saw her quite a few times in Vilnius oldtown during this week. Today even twice. Wow.

I have the pictures of the town I have taken yesterday with my old Zenit camera. I’m pleased. People said they were certainly different. Urbanized historical architecture, streets, old buildings and well, Vilnius the way I see it. I will try to take more photos from now on.

You know. I thought and thought and thought again. I think too much. I want to just enjoy it.

I realised I have never been so happy before. I’m in love, next year is going to be exciting and new, since I’m off to uni, I can listen to music I love, wear the most amazing clothes, take pictures of the cities I adore, paint and read poetry all I want. There is nothing missing in my life. Most people like me, and I love everyone. It’s too perfect to be true.

And so I have my life in my hands, just like a crystal ball, so beautiful and so fragile. The earth is spinning. Times flows like a river.

Am I happy with “myself”? Maybe. I’m ok. But I’d like to stop wondering so much if I’m worthy enough to have what I have. Just to live. Take most. Give most.

i like when people are happy. I feel a need to give something to someone. Somehow. I just don’t feel complete if I don’t spread something good.

Also i have a bad habit of over analysing things. I will try to just live. Nothing matters but this minute. Now.

And I’m free.

Switch…

Some people say I’m a conformist. Some call me dippy. I change. Is it wrong. There are many mes. And they all have something incommon. And that incommon is the real me. I don’t conform. I’m diverse. So it might seem I’m conforming. I’m an individual and it makes me sad to know that some people can’t see it.

I am a weirdo. So what? I love everyone anyway.

I’ve been dancing with myself a lot today.

Inspiration

I understand. The purpose of life. That long debated purpose and reason and all the questions. Life doesn’t stand. And we shouldn’t care or worry about life. It flows itself. People have influence. But they can’t stop it. So they shouldn’t try.

I want to kill the logic inside me. The instinct. The common sense. To live my fantasy.

Sounds around me. City around me. Inspiration.

Where have I been? Now I see it. I want to create. To be influenced by what I adore. By these little things. I feel like I’m on drugs.

My favourites are film and poetry. And painting. And drawing. You can express such an amplitude of emotions. It makes it art. The flow of feelings. Becoming material.

I need to get my camera back. I want to film. For now I will buy some pastels and paper. And books.

Clearly clearly i see my heart’s desires

Clear blue water.

You know, I hate so much texts that are a waste of space and time, though I realise that my texts are exactly like that.

Today I spent, well…. Trying on clothes. I found so many unworn, torn and forgotten gems under my bed and in my wardrobe. So I fixed them. Painted my old, scruffy converses in bronze. And I’m ready to leave for Vilnius. I’m not saying Lithuania because it’s just not the same thing. I love Vilnius. This city will always be home. Most important city in my heart.

I mentioned fashion and Vilnius. I will explain. Last time I went there I felt completely left out. Everyone dresses in the most crazy and original styles. (By everyone I mean young people mostly.) And I was pretty much wearing jeans and tees during my stay. So this time hopefully I will be more ready to show off my style. Which I haven’t shown off for ages really. Actually last time I have really been myself in a sense of fashion is 3 years ago. This means I lost it when I moved to UK. Which is strange, since London is one of the capitals of fashion… I feel people here care less about their appearance (of course I don’t mean everyone). Also when I came here I had this urge to “fit in”. And it is the worst thing that can happen. It kills your personality!

So I’m leaving on Saturday. And I can’t wait. A month of hanging out with my girlfriends (hopefully), buying vintage dresses, swimming in the sea, day dreaming and enjoying the sunshine (that is hopefully as well). The only thing that tears me apart is not being able to see someone really close to my heart. Someone I am falling in love with.