Something is going to happen someday… soon

My life is so bizarre. I don’t know. Everything is just too much to take in. So I take it in at one time. A tiny bit at a time. Live each day.

Last week is still in my head. I loved every second of it. All of it. Except the times when I had to go to lectures. But even those times weren’t too bad because I had something to look forward to. Like G sitting in my room by my laptop or walking somewhere in Brighton. I could just finish my lecture and go “home”. Or to meet him. My room suddenly became my home, and Brighton suddenly became my lovely town where I live. Just this simple fact that he was here made it home. And I felt like I want to live like this forever. Just carelessly be. Walk around. Eat around. Appreciate the sunset and stare at the world passing near by.

This week is completely opposite. It is passing fast, unnoticed. I just do what I have to do to get through each day. The things I do on the side seem so unimportant too. Maybe except today when after pizza me and A&D went to the sea. The sea was so powerful, the magical sound of pebbles, darkness, moon, mist, cold breeze. I could have stood there forever. Just breathing in the sea.

Friday tomorrow. Two tests. A session. This and that. Get ready. Go. Get ready, go. I don’t like this sort of routine. I need freedom. But as soon as I’m finished I’ll go to Reading. To G. Stay over for the night. Be with him for a night, then go home for Saturday then see him on Sunday. Can’t wait. Can’t wait. It feels good because I know he probably can’t wait either. We both are stuck in routines, and times when we see each other are the only happy times we get in the whole week. When we feel full. Like it’s supposed to be like that.

Carpe diem. Just because D said today: Mia you are like ‘carpe diem’.

Dreams

A post with a name like this has to be pretty serious.

I realise. How far I am from who I want to be. I have forgotten. What were my dreams.

Each day I live for the next day. I do my work, I wait for holiday, I do more work. It seems I only have dreams from necessity not lust. Like I want to go to Lith, I mean I am really looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am only trying to get away from here. i want some of those true dreams. The ones that don’t let me sleep at night. That make me shiver.

But I am silent. I forgot. Physically forgot. What did I used to dream of? Maybe I have achieved all my dreams… Someone once said: when you achieve your goal there is always emptiness. You must rest and think of a new goal. I am not sure this this whole goal business is even what I mean. What I am saying is that I don’t know what I am looking forward to anymore.

I suppose my biggest dream now is to live in London. With G. Especially after this week that we spent being together. I think I have learnt new things about him and myself. And us. It was so good. Just doing nothing. Just lying down and looking into each others eyes. Observing each other. Consuming each other. Understanding without words. I crave to see him again. And this craving will increase with every day.

I’m crying. Silently. I realise I need another person more than I need air. I need him to take care of me. I’m happy. I found what I always wanted. A person. True love.

I long for freedom. I mean mind freedom. Now I can remember my old self. How I used to act on my own desires and instincts. How I used to read because I wanted to. Fairy tales and poetic nonsense. How I used to look at the stars and wonder about the meaning of this mess. How my life was my future. Now my life is this second.

I keep repeating to myself that nothing else matter but now. now. It is not true. Future is a part of now. Dreams are the part of future. And present. It is this whole universe splitting mechanism. You dream. And you don’t care if it going to happen really. Because it’s a different world. This reality is parallel to dreams. I am stuck in between. I want to fly from here.

I want stimulation. Sounds. Smells. Discovery. This is not what I have here. Brighton is amazing. But not this room, not this university, not these people. I need time off. Need to think. To discover myself. Endlessly hear the waves in the sea to wash over my reasonable mind. Drift away.

My dream is to be myself. To change. To love. To be loved. To think for myself. To be able to dream. To wonder. To not be attached to conventions. To create. I miss creating something. I miss being myself.