Whenever I feel like

I feel I need a haircut. A haircut that would give me something more than just different hair. I feel I would like to change. What’s wrong with me? I just feel this urge to change. I am surrounded by uninspiring environment. I guess I shouldn’t complain. It gets worse. I mean there are things that inspire me here and there, but nothing big. I miss that stimulation that changes me. That moves me forwards. Like in Vilnius. For some strange unexplainable reason every sound, view and smell inspires me. That city. Any city really. I just want to discover something new to add to my collection of sensations. Not be stuck. I know I’m not. I know people who are even more stuck in a routine than I am.

I spent today running around. And yesterday. From one corner to another. Like a blind hen. UCL told me to apply through UCAS. Hopefully that works out. So much depends on it. Been doing loads of work lately too. Want to get through as much as possible. Geoff is coming next week. We have so much planned. But in the end I guarantee we will end up not doing it. We will just spend time lazying around. Cafes, shops, seaside, city, walks, staying in bed all day, walking in circles, not doing anything, but doing everything we need to do. I just love spending time with him. Not more not less. That’s why I would happily spend all my time in my life with him. He knows me by now. Even if I do change. And I adore his personality. It is going to be the best time next week. Just two days left.

Someday you… you

My heart is open recently. I don’t mind it too much. I let everyone to give me something and I give something back. I want to just be. Not worry. Not look too far into the future. I think world shouldn’t shape people. People should shape the world. I think we should take most of every second we have with people we adore and should not do things we do not enjoy or consider useful. We should not let shit stop us from taking what we need from life. Freedom is the way forward.

Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

Maybe now

I’m starting to see things more clearly. I realise how much I’m trying to hurting myself. This realisation is horrible. I’m sure everyone is doing it though. Like not sleeping when I need to sleep, not eating or eating to much for no reason, ignoring the pain in my body. I don’t know why I’m doing that. Maybe I am insecure about myself. About how I look and about my personality. But on the other hand I should be happy. Also I waste too much time. Waiting, not thinking, thinking too much, doing things I don’t want to be doing, just wasting time. In a bad way though. I enjoy wasting time when it’s enjoyable. But not when it’s pointless and it pisses me off. I am so fucking stupid sometimes. I wish I was more simple. In a way. Just rely on my body and heart to tell me what to do. Not on my brain. It is always misleading. Especially when I do something unconsciously.

Tomorrow’s a Sunday. I want to sleep in. I haven’t done that in a month. Maybe once when Geoff was around. But it does’t count since we spent the whole night wandering around Brighton. I am drained at the moment. I want to lie in bed, look at the stars on my ceiling, slowly close my eyes and dream the night away. And then wake up naturally. Or if G calls. I don’t mind if he calls in the morning. Early. Wakes me up. Even if I’m very tired I still want to talk to him. Just to hear what he has to say. Even if I don’t remember the conversation afterwards.

I want to start sleep normally, eat healthy, just in general do stuff I want to do. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much? I know the answer. I want to much myself to the limit. So that I can see what I am capable of. So that I can see that I am able to do things even if I don’t have the energy or the time. I hate though. So much. It annoys me. I need to stop.

I am tired of negative thoughts too. I want to just live. Not think. Just be. Just love. Just dream.