Coffee overflow

My head is full of thoughts right now. I’m all trembling. Had too much coffee today. And still having more coffee. Coffee.

My thoughts are scattered everywhere, but I know every single answer to all questions I’ve been asking myself lately. Most importantly: ‘what do I want to do next year?’

All this year, while I was in college studying physics and maths, it seemed that this is what I want to do in life. So I applied to do astrophysics with a research placement to a great uni. I was extremely excited about that. Wanted to get a PhD and work in research… How misleading. It always happens. I was so close minded and so good at it that I thought I am meant to do physics. Is it reasonable? Maybe. And yes, I love stars. But I don’t know if I could stand being in this field for all my life. It seems too small for me. It challenges my mind but that is it.

Now I’m here. In this culturally diverse environment and I begin to remember. Remember who I am at my heart. An artist, poetically floating in this crazy world. A critic, evaluating and absorbing the diverse urbanistic air. I read, I explore, I create, I need freedom, and I am so very scared that next year I will be imprisoned by an uncreative subject and uninspiring environment and I will forget. Forget who I am.

Why do I always place myself in impossible situations? I have accepted my place in uni now, so if I decline it, I have no guarantees.

Ideally I would want to study urban studies, or urban management and design in London’s UCL. Even though I was against living in London, now I realise that I would still like to try it. Why urban studies? Because I am made of concrete and glass, because I am interested in street life, cultural development in cities, globalization and the ratio between a person and a city. There is so much I know and so much I want to learn about urbanism. The best thing is that the course is only 3 years long, which means I could do another degree afterwards. Like sociology or philosophy.

Someone once said: it is never too late. I hope this is true but first I have to be sure of what I want.

I need to go out for a walk today and buy several culture magazines. It’s hard to keep up with all the press.

Also I found my old German textbooks, so I’ll try to remember the language during the holiday. Need to find a book in German to read.

I must think.