So confusing

World is confusing. It takes a long time to truly understand just how confusing and dynamic it is. We are born, we live and then we are reborn. Reborn again and again, when we realize some truths or reach some special stage in our creative life. I don’t mean reborn literally. No, we just feel like we have changed. And people change. They grow. Like trees, like cities.

Yesterday I watched this culture program which explored avant-garde, culture today and the relationship between an artist and a city. It was an interview with Jonas Mekas, a Lithuanian poet and filmmaker who lives and works in New York. He said that the world changes, that avant-garde will always exist, because there will always be someone or something standing in the front. Like modern technologies or internet which open all the windows and doors for us to share our creativeness. He believes that commercialism and superficial values can’t possibly win over and that mankind will always strain to be in front. From big bang until now time and humanity have moved forward. This is the way life goes. Forward. And we should be grateful to death – it keeps the world dynamic.

I completely agree with his opinion. Humanity is the engine, and we must keep the world dynamic. The only way to do this is to rebel, oppose the mass culture and the mainstream commercial values. That is avant-garde – art/political movements that change our Weltanschauung.

I think this is more or less everything I wanted to say today.

Coffee overflow

My head is full of thoughts right now. I’m all trembling. Had too much coffee today. And still having more coffee. Coffee.

My thoughts are scattered everywhere, but I know every single answer to all questions I’ve been asking myself lately. Most importantly: ‘what do I want to do next year?’

All this year, while I was in college studying physics and maths, it seemed that this is what I want to do in life. So I applied to do astrophysics with a research placement to a great uni. I was extremely excited about that. Wanted to get a PhD and work in research… How misleading. It always happens. I was so close minded and so good at it that I thought I am meant to do physics. Is it reasonable? Maybe. And yes, I love stars. But I don’t know if I could stand being in this field for all my life. It seems too small for me. It challenges my mind but that is it.

Now I’m here. In this culturally diverse environment and I begin to remember. Remember who I am at my heart. An artist, poetically floating in this crazy world. A critic, evaluating and absorbing the diverse urbanistic air. I read, I explore, I create, I need freedom, and I am so very scared that next year I will be imprisoned by an uncreative subject and uninspiring environment and I will forget. Forget who I am.

Why do I always place myself in impossible situations? I have accepted my place in uni now, so if I decline it, I have no guarantees.

Ideally I would want to study urban studies, or urban management and design in London’s UCL. Even though I was against living in London, now I realise that I would still like to try it. Why urban studies? Because I am made of concrete and glass, because I am interested in street life, cultural development in cities, globalization and the ratio between a person and a city. There is so much I know and so much I want to learn about urbanism. The best thing is that the course is only 3 years long, which means I could do another degree afterwards. Like sociology or philosophy.

Someone once said: it is never too late. I hope this is true but first I have to be sure of what I want.

I need to go out for a walk today and buy several culture magazines. It’s hard to keep up with all the press.

Also I found my old German textbooks, so I’ll try to remember the language during the holiday. Need to find a book in German to read.

I must think.

Not even a cloud

No clouds in the horizon. This is the way summers go here.

This is good. The absence of thoughts in my head. I can act completely spontaneous. I can sit and read in the balcony surrounded by vines, I can go and walk around the old town, look at people, world moving chaotically in the streets. I can read or write poetry in the cafes, when I’m inspired by the city. Shame that more and more of franchised cafes are appearing in Vilnius. Time still disappears here. It transforms into a sea of sounds, forms, emotions and movements.

Like in a dream this reality seems made up.

Clearly clearly i see my heart’s desires

Clear blue water.

You know, I hate so much texts that are a waste of space and time, though I realise that my texts are exactly like that.

Today I spent, well…. Trying on clothes. I found so many unworn, torn and forgotten gems under my bed and in my wardrobe. So I fixed them. Painted my old, scruffy converses in bronze. And I’m ready to leave for Vilnius. I’m not saying Lithuania because it’s just not the same thing. I love Vilnius. This city will always be home. Most important city in my heart.

I mentioned fashion and Vilnius. I will explain. Last time I went there I felt completely left out. Everyone dresses in the most crazy and original styles. (By everyone I mean young people mostly.) And I was pretty much wearing jeans and tees during my stay. So this time hopefully I will be more ready to show off my style. Which I haven’t shown off for ages really. Actually last time I have really been myself in a sense of fashion is 3 years ago. This means I lost it when I moved to UK. Which is strange, since London is one of the capitals of fashion… I feel people here care less about their appearance (of course I don’t mean everyone). Also when I came here I had this urge to “fit in”. And it is the worst thing that can happen. It kills your personality!

So I’m leaving on Saturday. And I can’t wait. A month of hanging out with my girlfriends (hopefully), buying vintage dresses, swimming in the sea, day dreaming and enjoying the sunshine (that is hopefully as well). The only thing that tears me apart is not being able to see someone really close to my heart. Someone I am falling in love with.