Stop

I would like to be a seagull and fly endlessly. Fly carelessly. I would like to merge with the sky and disappear.

Sometimes it just seems that our dreams are buried too deep. We don’t look reality in the eyes either. We sit somewhere in between our real world and our imagination. Blocking a part of reality, and running through life without ever looking back.

Please, slow down. Look around. You are missing all the worthwhile things in your life. And why run? As if there was a purpose. There isn’t. You will reach the end. So why not just walk and enjoy it.  Be whoever you want to be. Now.

How I love such Sundays

I haven’t felt so good for a long time. Everything around me seems magical. Memories are flooding my head, I can see blue sky through my window and I am free to do anything I like.

I have about one Sunday like that in every couple of months. Why can’t everyday be like that? So peaceful, so beautiful. What makes a good day so damn good? The answer is that such days have one thing incommon – loads of sunshine.

I should probably move to live to a sunnier place because UK is not famous for great weather.

I feel so inspired. I haven’t felt like this for a whole year. I’d love to do something creative. But artistic stuff and me… well they just don’t go together. Every time I paint something I must throw it away because I hate it. Even if other people really like it.

I will need to buy some paint and maybe try again. I had some ideas in my head. All the inspiration piled up during the year and I want to let it out. Usually I let out my creativity through writing. I have so many diaries everywhere.

Now I feel an urge to tidy up. My floor is covered in clothes, papers, cds and books. I want to give everything to charity and live in an empty room. All the stuff around me makes me confused. I want a white room, with white furniture and minimal decorations. I want this peacefulness to continue. I also want to hear sea roaring. It is so pretty outside right now.

 

I remember being able to fly

I remember. Summers. How I was careless. How I was myself.

I remember standing and looking at the sea. Wind taking away all my troubles and leaving me naked. Sand under my feet, rough stones on the beach and how I was running along the coast until I couldn’t run anymore.

I remember fields of wild flowers. How I was riding my bike down a long hill. Wind in my hair. Giving me wings. I would go and pick herbs. And in the evening drink fresh milk.

I remember ice cream. Me and my brother going for a walk and feeding swans. Sun kissing my skin. My hair long and curly. My bright orange swimsuit.

I remember how I went for a walk in the city on my own for the first time. How I had popcorn with my good friend. How I went to the cinema and laughed.

I feel I lost myself. I care about none important things to much. Like how my hair is wrong, or my make up smudgy. I want to be me. To not think again. To live now. Time imprisoned me. I want to escape.

Appearance matters

Appearance matters? Sadly it does. People care how other people look even more than they realise. I am quite judgemental about what other people wear. And today I realised that I need to sort out my own look.

It won’t be easy, because there is no theme in my clothes. You could easily say that they all belong to different people. What angers me the most is that I bought quite a lot stuff during past year. What was I thinking? Seriously. The only things I don’t regret getting is all the vintage dresses, because they just look amazing. Not on me though.

So I thought about it. What defines me? What are the keywords to define my personality? Water, freedom, gold, minimal, edgy, vintage, ballet, contrast, dream, light, shiny, silent, creamy.

What could I do with that now?

I guess this outfit from Reiss represents me quite well:

                   

I need some more clothes. Preferably very simple black, grey and white basics, since my wardrobe is a mess with no order right now. I also love these:

                                                      

There are 25,000 satellites in orbit around the Earth

25 thousand. And 90% of them are inactive. We are being orbited by junk. Fantastic.

I have never seen the ISS passing by, though some people I know are addicted to it. They wait for any opportunity to see a passing bright dot. It doesn’t sound amazing. Especially getting up at 4 at night and staring at the sky to witness a 10 second fly-by which looks like a passing plane. Although I found out something that sounds pretty cool – iridium flares.

I thought they were just some flares associated with solar activity or something, but it turns out they are flares caused by sunlight being reflected from various plates on satellites. And they are up to magnitude -9.5. That is as bright as a half moon.

Now I remember seeing one. I naively believed I saw a meteor during daytime, but it is more likely to have been a satellite flare. They apparently predict those at http://www.heavens-above.com/

   

Some questions

Why are people so annoying sometimes? Or is it my problem?

Why can’t I appreciate the world more?

When will I be happy with myself?

I need to answer these questions.

I feel so little right now. What part do I play in this world? Is it enough that I change people’s lifes by briefly passing through their timelines? Must I be happy? What makes me happy?

Being succesfull did not make me happy. Being respected did not make me happy. Is it really only sunny days that actually make me feel like I’m alive?

Like a butterfly.

 

Help me

I need to be loved. I’m addicted. It’s the only time I’m above the surface of the world. Otherwise I’m deep down below. Feeling crumbled, unwanted and wasted. I can’t really believe that I need other people so much.

It’s my first day of holiday. I am sitting, watching the wind in the trees. Listening to Radiohead. It sucks. I can’t stand doing nothing. Something is missing. I must go and read. I must study. I need to listen to some physics lectures on youtube. What’s wrong with me?

I need to occupy myself. Why am I thinking about food? I don’t want to eat. Never again.

Ridiculous. I better think of something to do, or I will kill myself during next month.

It’s the end, it’s a start

Past months have been hard. Really hard. Pressure, exams, and realisations that come when you feel the worst. World is topping up on my shoulders, and I want to start again. Get a new canvas. But no… Life is not discardable.

Summers make me uplifted. Seeing my friends happy, seeing sunshine playing in the windows.  But it’s different here: clouds, depressing wind.

I’ve been thinking about people. I need friends. That’s my conclusion. I would not be who I am without people I spend most of my time with. And yet it tires me. Last year of being on my own was much more painful, so I won’t complain. I love my friends.

Another thing. Now that I have as much free time as I like, all the self consciousness comes back. All the year I have been too busy to really think about myself and my feelings. Now it’s here again. Today I stood in front of my mirror for hours. I feel disgusted by myself and it is the worst feeling.