hey

i need you. i need you. i need you.

i just take my ipod and listen to sounds.  sit and wait.

so what that there are people around. they are just a background.

nothing makes me forget you even for a while. nothing.

just sea make me love you without dying.

Something is going to happen someday… soon

My life is so bizarre. I don’t know. Everything is just too much to take in. So I take it in at one time. A tiny bit at a time. Live each day.

Last week is still in my head. I loved every second of it. All of it. Except the times when I had to go to lectures. But even those times weren’t too bad because I had something to look forward to. Like G sitting in my room by my laptop or walking somewhere in Brighton. I could just finish my lecture and go “home”. Or to meet him. My room suddenly became my home, and Brighton suddenly became my lovely town where I live. Just this simple fact that he was here made it home. And I felt like I want to live like this forever. Just carelessly be. Walk around. Eat around. Appreciate the sunset and stare at the world passing near by.

This week is completely opposite. It is passing fast, unnoticed. I just do what I have to do to get through each day. The things I do on the side seem so unimportant too. Maybe except today when after pizza me and A&D went to the sea. The sea was so powerful, the magical sound of pebbles, darkness, moon, mist, cold breeze. I could have stood there forever. Just breathing in the sea.

Friday tomorrow. Two tests. A session. This and that. Get ready. Go. Get ready, go. I don’t like this sort of routine. I need freedom. But as soon as I’m finished I’ll go to Reading. To G. Stay over for the night. Be with him for a night, then go home for Saturday then see him on Sunday. Can’t wait. Can’t wait. It feels good because I know he probably can’t wait either. We both are stuck in routines, and times when we see each other are the only happy times we get in the whole week. When we feel full. Like it’s supposed to be like that.

Carpe diem. Just because D said today: Mia you are like ‘carpe diem’.

Dreams

A post with a name like this has to be pretty serious.

I realise. How far I am from who I want to be. I have forgotten. What were my dreams.

Each day I live for the next day. I do my work, I wait for holiday, I do more work. It seems I only have dreams from necessity not lust. Like I want to go to Lith, I mean I am really looking forward to it, but at the same time, I am only trying to get away from here. i want some of those true dreams. The ones that don’t let me sleep at night. That make me shiver.

But I am silent. I forgot. Physically forgot. What did I used to dream of? Maybe I have achieved all my dreams… Someone once said: when you achieve your goal there is always emptiness. You must rest and think of a new goal. I am not sure this this whole goal business is even what I mean. What I am saying is that I don’t know what I am looking forward to anymore.

I suppose my biggest dream now is to live in London. With G. Especially after this week that we spent being together. I think I have learnt new things about him and myself. And us. It was so good. Just doing nothing. Just lying down and looking into each others eyes. Observing each other. Consuming each other. Understanding without words. I crave to see him again. And this craving will increase with every day.

I’m crying. Silently. I realise I need another person more than I need air. I need him to take care of me. I’m happy. I found what I always wanted. A person. True love.

I long for freedom. I mean mind freedom. Now I can remember my old self. How I used to act on my own desires and instincts. How I used to read because I wanted to. Fairy tales and poetic nonsense. How I used to look at the stars and wonder about the meaning of this mess. How my life was my future. Now my life is this second.

I keep repeating to myself that nothing else matter but now. now. It is not true. Future is a part of now. Dreams are the part of future. And present. It is this whole universe splitting mechanism. You dream. And you don’t care if it going to happen really. Because it’s a different world. This reality is parallel to dreams. I am stuck in between. I want to fly from here.

I want stimulation. Sounds. Smells. Discovery. This is not what I have here. Brighton is amazing. But not this room, not this university, not these people. I need time off. Need to think. To discover myself. Endlessly hear the waves in the sea to wash over my reasonable mind. Drift away.

My dream is to be myself. To change. To love. To be loved. To think for myself. To be able to dream. To wonder. To not be attached to conventions. To create. I miss creating something. I miss being myself.

Whenever I feel like

I feel I need a haircut. A haircut that would give me something more than just different hair. I feel I would like to change. What’s wrong with me? I just feel this urge to change. I am surrounded by uninspiring environment. I guess I shouldn’t complain. It gets worse. I mean there are things that inspire me here and there, but nothing big. I miss that stimulation that changes me. That moves me forwards. Like in Vilnius. For some strange unexplainable reason every sound, view and smell inspires me. That city. Any city really. I just want to discover something new to add to my collection of sensations. Not be stuck. I know I’m not. I know people who are even more stuck in a routine than I am.

I spent today running around. And yesterday. From one corner to another. Like a blind hen. UCL told me to apply through UCAS. Hopefully that works out. So much depends on it. Been doing loads of work lately too. Want to get through as much as possible. Geoff is coming next week. We have so much planned. But in the end I guarantee we will end up not doing it. We will just spend time lazying around. Cafes, shops, seaside, city, walks, staying in bed all day, walking in circles, not doing anything, but doing everything we need to do. I just love spending time with him. Not more not less. That’s why I would happily spend all my time in my life with him. He knows me by now. Even if I do change. And I adore his personality. It is going to be the best time next week. Just two days left.

Someday you… you

My heart is open recently. I don’t mind it too much. I let everyone to give me something and I give something back. I want to just be. Not worry. Not look too far into the future. I think world shouldn’t shape people. People should shape the world. I think we should take most of every second we have with people we adore and should not do things we do not enjoy or consider useful. We should not let shit stop us from taking what we need from life. Freedom is the way forward.

Again and again

I miss being a completely independent person. Personality wise. I miss dreaming, not caring, doing my own thing. It seems that now I’m no longer free. And freedom is what I crave.

I’m listening to my youtube favourites. Love it. Feel better instantly.

G keeps asking me: ‘what do you  really want?’ Do I really really want to move to London next year?

I find it hard to think. I’m not a thinking into the future person. I can only dream into the future. And it doesn’t help. But I know that right now I’m sure of my decision. I want to change location. I want to be surrounded by the city, people passing by, that’s the only way I am going to be able to feel free and a part of the world. I want to grow, and here I can not. I need interaction, chaos, stimulation. I miss hearing and seeing the city breath at night. And even if UCL is going to be as bad as Sussex uni wise I will be happy since I will have the city to rely on. Besides I would be living with G. That on its on would be a dream come true. I can see myself being with him, working, sleeping, dreaming, eating, going out together. Yes, I can see it… I believe it.

Now I need to go. Study. Study more. Make this time go by faster. Looking forward to the weekend. Seeing G. The only thing that keeps me going is feeling better in near future.

I’m just angry with myself that I am wasting time. I should enjoy every minute. That is why I shouldn’t do things I don’t want to do. Like talk to people who I don’t like and go out when I don’t feel like it. It’s my decisions. I need to be myself. Again.

Maybe now

I’m starting to see things more clearly. I realise how much I’m trying to hurting myself. This realisation is horrible. I’m sure everyone is doing it though. Like not sleeping when I need to sleep, not eating or eating to much for no reason, ignoring the pain in my body. I don’t know why I’m doing that. Maybe I am insecure about myself. About how I look and about my personality. But on the other hand I should be happy. Also I waste too much time. Waiting, not thinking, thinking too much, doing things I don’t want to be doing, just wasting time. In a bad way though. I enjoy wasting time when it’s enjoyable. But not when it’s pointless and it pisses me off. I am so fucking stupid sometimes. I wish I was more simple. In a way. Just rely on my body and heart to tell me what to do. Not on my brain. It is always misleading. Especially when I do something unconsciously.

Tomorrow’s a Sunday. I want to sleep in. I haven’t done that in a month. Maybe once when Geoff was around. But it does’t count since we spent the whole night wandering around Brighton. I am drained at the moment. I want to lie in bed, look at the stars on my ceiling, slowly close my eyes and dream the night away. And then wake up naturally. Or if G calls. I don’t mind if he calls in the morning. Early. Wakes me up. Even if I’m very tired I still want to talk to him. Just to hear what he has to say. Even if I don’t remember the conversation afterwards.

I want to start sleep normally, eat healthy, just in general do stuff I want to do. Why do I enjoy hurting myself so much? I know the answer. I want to much myself to the limit. So that I can see what I am capable of. So that I can see that I am able to do things even if I don’t have the energy or the time. I hate though. So much. It annoys me. I need to stop.

I am tired of negative thoughts too. I want to just live. Not think. Just be. Just love. Just dream.

This is not me, somewhere

I do not know who I’ve become. My thoughts mechanism is hidden under other worries and fears and things I must do. What I want and what I shouldn’t do is mixed up.

This feeling of being unrelated to my surroundings is back. I feel like an outlier. Not in a bad way. My world just doesn’t feel right. Maybe it’s because I want to be familiar. Maybe I need time to get used to everything new. Maybe I just long for something what I used to have. Or maybe I need to create something new to be desired. Dreams and aspirations carry me through the waves of awkwardness of this world.

One day I will be back.

Imaginary substance

My world is so surreal these days. It’s like I am be sitting in a waiting room with a lot of passers by. I’m not interacting with anyone because they are so sure about their destinations. So I’m just sitting there looking around. Not knowing when the next train is or where it is going. On my own in a room with lots of people. Anticipating. Occasionally making eye contact with a person waiting in the other end of the room. It’s not a dream. It just feels like it should be. Somewhere between dreams and reality lies this universe of delusive existence.

And so… mysteries of the world

I have been in this really bad mood lately. For weeks now. It has nothing to do with other people or myself even. I think it’s just something else. Even talking about this dampens my mood.

I think I lost motivation. I mean it was lost for a while. I’m getting it back. I was posing too many questions about the importance of things. Why is art important? Why is science important? What is important? Is there anything? The answer to that is still absent.

But when I think about it again… Possibly nothing is globally important. Or universally. Things only have a personal importance to each individual. Art is important to ME because it allows me to express my feelings and ideas visually. Science is important to ME because it helps me pose more questions about the space-time I am a part of. It all is about reality. About analysing the world. Art explores concepts in society and science explores more fundamental mysteries of what are we made of. Both of these are down to earth missions. I think so. However different they are.

Dreamlike realities at nighttime.